North Station Sports

“Hey, Man.”

“What’s up.”

“Have you heard about that guy Lebron James?”

“No, who is he?  Wait…is that the yankee fan basketball player who likes dancing but hates handshakes?”

Do you think anyone has ever had a conversation begin this way? No? That probably means that Lebron is known primarily for his basketball skill and the defenders of his chastity can ease up a little on their obsessive defense of some of his ridiculous statements and actions. 

I could spend the rest of this article listing Lebron’s accomplishments over the last twelve months, culminating in his winning the first of multiple MVPs.  But to what end? The “conversation” at the beginning of this article illustrates the point perfectly: everyone already knows how great he is.  And they knew it a long time ago. 

Instead I will discuss a few things we didn’t know. Let’s start with his ridiculous suggestion that every team retire Michael Jordan’s number.  Why, because he was really good at basketball?  The Utah Jazz are probably not so interested in celebrating his career.

“I just think what Michael Jordan has done for the game has to be recognized in some way — soon,” James said. “There would be no LeBron James, no Kobe Bryant, no Dwyane Wade, you name all the best players in the league right now and the last 10 years, there would be none of us without Michael Jordan.”

Does Lebron believe that Michael Jordan fathered a lot of illegitimate NBA children, or is it that without Mike, they would somehow not be good at basketball?  Either way, this statement makes no sense.

He went on to say, “If I’m not going to wear No. 23, then nobody else should be able to wear it.” Because he is Lebron, and they are not.  Very nice.

Now suppose for a moment that your father longed for a life of adventure, making his bones as a crewman upon the high seas.  As such, he had little time on land to secure a bride, but rather fell in love with a sea creature.  Thus, you were born of two separate species.  The crustacean blood which courses through your veins forces you to dribble a basketball in a crab-like manner. Maybe you can contact a group to help you overturn that rule on civil rights grounds but until that time your crab dribble is travelling,  so stop crying about it.

Mom

He can also dispense with dancing up a storm to celebrate victories over a downed opponent, particularly when he also tends to refuse shaking hands after a series loss.  Whether we take things too seriously or not seems to depend on which end of the hammer Lebron lies. 

All of this points to the reason why Lebron’s fans have been on guard: he is extremely hateable.  This man was born and raised in Akron, and claims to be a fan of the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, and Chicago Bulls.  Come up with a more infuriating combination than that, I dare you.   Even his self-promoting tattoos are infuriating.

Look, being hateable is not a bad thing.  Clearly Lebron has made the decision to be himself over maintaining complete likeability, something I can respect and admire.  This league has had a long history of divisive players.  Larry Bird was a trash talking, surly white guy with an afro-perm who was known for holding the shorts of players.  Kareem Abdul Jabbar hated everyone, wore stupid-looking tiny goggles and revolved his offense around an unblockable shot that many found tacky and cheap.  Magic Johnson was at one time considered a selfish player who ran a coach out of town. Michael Jordan punched teammates in practice and stuck his tongue out like an idiot while performing basketball moves. Charles Barkley ran his big mouth at every opportunity.  Hateability goes hand in hand with NBA stardom. 

Frankly, Lebron’s hateability is important to the future of the league.  The current generation of older hateable stars includes players like Shaq, Kobe, Allen Iverson, and Kevin Garnett.  When they are gone, who will fill the gap? What is the worst thing anyone ever said about Dwayne Wade? Boy, I hate that Dwight Howard kid.  He smiles too much.  Without Lebron we would be headed toward a catastrophic era of David Robinsons all around.

Lebron is humble

Unfortunately, the simple fact of the matter is that Lebron’s talent and basketball skill will inevitably overwhelm any criticism of him personally, justified or not.  If and when he wins a few titles, the missteps he seems to periodically take will fade into footnotes in the chapter of one of the greatest players of all time.  But until then, haters can rejoice in the knowledge that Lebron will probably do or say something annoying pretty soon.  And we will always have Carmelo Anthony.